Reflection on 2013

The closing of a year provides opportunity to stop and reflect on what has been and to look ahead to what will be.


2013 was my year to be brave. That was my New Year's resolution on 1st January 2013.


By January 16th I was able to report:


'My new year's resolution was to be braver so far...
Holiday for 1 booked
Tried beetroot in a chilli concoction - ok
Tried fig yoghurt - yuck
Tried muesli - I found one without nuts - jury out
Found muesli bar no nuts - yum'


Being brave continued throughout the year. I started exercising, this in itself may not seem to be an action that requires bravery, but let me assure you it did. I started swimming and I started spinning. In August I just about managed to swim 10 lengths and survive a spinning class. Now I can manage 30 lengths and would go so far as to say I enjoy swimming.


My holiday in Greece was for the most part enjoyable. I made new friends and experienced new things and I stood up for what I believe in.


At house group we have started a year of Biblical Womanhood. So far we have covered chapters on Domesticity, Obedience and Gentleness. We are just three months in but so far it has been a positive journey.


As the year draws to an end, bravery continues to be the theme. It is not just me who needs to be brave, but also my friends and their families. Cancer has struck at the heart of two families that I know and love. As they battle with this, I will continue to pray for them, be brave for them and stand along side them.


This too gave cause for reflection. We can spend so much time pondering what has been and what may be that we forget to live life now. To live in the moment and to focus on what is happening around us is as important as planning for the future. Having the courage to get on and do with faith is going to be part of being brave in 2014.

Domesticity

As November has come to an end, I have been reflecting on my month of Domesticity.  It is a word I think much maligned in today's society because of the image it conjures of the '1950's housewife', as I have discovered domesticity is much more than this.

Domesticity is about cooking and cleaning, but it is about so much more than cooking and cleaning. Domesticity is about running a home, budgeting, decision making, cooking and cleaning.  It is a task that requires time, and one which perhaps I neglect to give time to as I believe that I should 'just' be able to do these things without giving proper time to them.  What I have come to realise (and perhaps knew all along) is that domesticity is hard work.

Cleaning the house is hard work.  House work is called house work for a reason.  It takes time and I have to confess that when my house is clean and tidy I feel so much better. It is so much easier to live in a clean and tidy home than it is in a messy and dirty environment.  So allowing some time for cleaning is important.  Not just actual cleaning, also spiritual cleaning.  Allowing time in life to site with God and spring clean is also so very important.

Cooking is something that I love to do.  It is something that I do not always give myself enough time for.  If I want to eat a healthy, balanced diet, then allowing time for the cooking of food is important.  I set myself two challenges in November, with a third at the last moment.  I committed to cook bread.  This I have done, in fact as I type there is bread rising in the kitchen.  I also committed to cook nutritious food for myself.  I have been better at this.  In the last week or so of November, I also decided that I should master the baking of scones.  This afternoon, we have had freshly baked scones and jam.  Despite my protestation to the contrary, it seems that I can indeed bake scones, cheesy ones and plain!

Budgeting is an essential part of running the home.  Making sure that there is money for bills and for food, is a part of domesticity.  Making wise decisions when shopping for food and supplies.  Being aware of the origin of your purchases, the food miles, the 'organicness' of your produce.  Is what is being bought fair trade, is it harmful to the environment.  There are so many choices and decisions to make each and every time we budget and purchase.

 As I reflect, the word I see jumping out of the page at me again and again is time.  Domesticity requires time.  As the pressures on time are so great in our current society I realise that how I choose to use my time is so very important.  Allowing time for domesticity needs to be moved higher in my priorities. As we continue through our Year of Biblical Womanhood, I wonder how else I will choose to change the way I use my time.

Awesome Giggles

Last night I went to a gig on ‘a school night’ it saw just awesome.  Now my idea of a gig is most likely not your idea of a gig.  It was a Stuart Townend gig and was a combination of worship and performance.  I just love group singing, not sure if the folk in front of me liked the group singing, it was too loud to tell!

It reminded me of a carol service I went to last year with some group singing.  My friend and I were singing our hearts our convinced we knew the tune only to discover, we did not!  As  the very professional singers around us sang up, we sang down, we collapsed in fits of giggles, infectious giggles, the sort that the more you try to stop them the more uncontrollable they become.  It wasn't really that funny but we were still giggling on our way home an hour or so later, in fact we only have to talk about it together and it sets us off again.

The thing is we are all different and different things make us giggle.  I hope that you have some moments of infectious giggling between now and Christmas, it’s good for you, it really is.

Domesticity part two

Last weekend I went away on retreat with the lovely ladies from Shall we Dance?  This evening watching the results slow for Strictly Come Dancing I was reminded again how lucky we are to have the perfect dance partnerb in Christ Jesus. As I watched the beautiful dancing this evening I wondered just which dance it is that we are dancing right now. Life is challenging me and it can Sometimes be just a bit much.

Today I have practiced contemplative prayer in the swimming pool. 30 lengths of contemplative prayer. This afternoon I have cooked. Coming centers me. Preparing food for friends and family gives me joy, so my Domesticity this afternoon was to make some Leek and tomato soup with a cheese scone round.  Them this evening I have baked our Christmas cake and it smells yummy.

Now last weekend I announced that I couldn't make scones for all the tea in China. It's true. Today I made yummy cheese scones and even mama bear agreed they were alright. Good old Mary Berry she holds all the answers.

In a turn of fait this afternoon has also seem me empty and defrost my freezer in its entirety!

Three acts of Domesticity in one day!

Forgiveness

Last night I went to see Philomena at the cinema in Lyme Regis. It was a moving film which had a profound affect, I'll say no more than that other than this. The most powerful line of the film was: 'Sister Hildegard, I forgive you.' Philomena was a true woman of valour.

'I forgive you', three small words that so many of us find hard to say and even harder to mean. Jesus taught again and again about forgiveness. The  whole Christian story is after all one about forgiveness and about Grace.  'Father forgiven them they know not what they do'. Jesus was sharing his message of forgiveness right to the very end.

I find forgiveness hard. There are the little petty hurts, which should really be forgotten and forgiven in a heart beat, and indeed many them are because LOVE wins. There is nothing that can't be forgiven when you truly love someone. So my family, my friends I will forgive again and again and I pray that they will forgive me to.

The bigger hurts, they are more challenging to forgive, they are easier to hold onto because they cut deeper. With these hurts I often feel a sense of disappointment that the situation arose in the first instance. They often involve anger that I don't know how to direct and a fear that if I forgive will it happen all over again.  More often than not it is a hurt caused by words harshly spoken occasionally a hurt of actions.  And yet holding onto the hurt is more damaging than risking forgiveness. Yes the hurt may at some point be re lived, but to forgive is too grow and to move forward.

Forgiveness is a very active thing. It is not a set of meaningless words it is an action too. God in his Son Jesus, died on the cross to forgive us, me, my sins. Through his Grace I am forgiven again and again. He loves me as much if not more than i love my family and friends.

This evening watching the Royal British Legion Festival of Rememberance, a little girl was re United with her father who has been serving over seas. In front of 8000 people she ran to her father's arms knowing she was loved just as she was.

It's hard somethings to understand that God is there with his arms wide open for me, to run to him and to receive his forgiveness.  It's hard actually to believe I am that loveable, when I'm cranky and horrible to the people who love me most, when I am in need of so much from them and have very little I feel able to give to them. When you don't really like the way you are, or love the person are it's hard to accept their love.  Yet they like God keep giving because living a life of love is living a life of forgiveness. 

Perhaps the hardest person for me  to forgive is myself, and perhaps that is because I don't really know me right now. Somewhere I'm there, but I'm feeling lost, confused and uncertain, wondering what God had planned for me and when the future unfolds in front of me, will I know which party to take?

Domesticity

In our study of A year of biblical womanhood by Rachel Held Evans,  we have moved from Gentleness to Domesticity. 

Domesticity seems to be about cooking and cleaning.  I've been taught well, in that I know how to both cook and clean.

I love to cook, it's one of my favorite things to do. Cooking relaxes me, it centres me. When I'm stressed I cook, when I'm sad I cook, when there's a crisis I cook. There is however a hitch with my love of cooking and that is that I like to cook for others, to feed others and to share food with them.  When it comes to cooking for one and looking after what I eat I'm not so committed.

Equally I know very well how to clean but I tend to leave the cleaning until I can ignore it no more.

I've mentioned before that I am suffering from depression and a 'side effect' of this if you like,  is loosing interest in your environment and yourself.  I know that right now the reason why im not cooking and cleaning is cause I just can't muster the energy.  When you feel low, when you wake up feeling sad for no particular reason,  every ounce of energy is invested in maintaining an air of normality,  of business as usual.  When you step out of the spot light and its just you again, feeling blue, you ask why bother,  what's the point?

I guess that the answer to this question is that I, like you,  am created in the image of God.  That as Julian of Norwich observed,  God made the acorn,  God loves the acorn, God cares for the acorn and the same can be said to us.

So my commitment for November is to continue my reading of the book of Proverbs,  to bake bread every week and to try a new recipe each week and to eat well. My Martha Stewart will be Mary Berry and Delia Smith.

I am also going to try to get on top of my cleaning!

Under the dark moon A reflection

The program said....
"It's quite liberating to realise that everyone's afraid of something, and whilst dangers can be very real, the strength of our fears lies in the powers of our imaginations.

Fairy tales are full of risk, adventure and change, they contain advice, and inspirations and warnings.  Owning our flaws, and showing our humanity and vulnerability is often not encouraged in our culture, sharing stores helps to bring communities together, and the experience of turning our struggles or restrictions into things of beauty can be a cathartic experience. Our greatest strengths are hidden in our darkest shadows, and it makes bravery to turn and face them. We hope that in the celebration of life in all of its persevered, ridiculous glory in the ever present face of death"

As the performers shared their own stories,  expressed with their bodies the tension between fear and freedom, between living and dying they spoke to me at levels far deeper than they could have ever imagined.

The circus show was conceived as a secular show however the spiritual depths were for me deep wells from which to draw water.

As the girl with the trunk was finally freed to set aside her heavy burden and swing and fly on her trapeze, I was reminded that with God I am free to fly. I am free to set aside my burdens at the foot of the cross and to then live a life of perfect freedom in Christ.  As the boy with the mask set aside his loneliness and walked the length of his tight rope, I was reminded that when we trust in God, all things are possible.

I wanted to walk that tight rope and fly that trapeze, to experience that perfect freedom a nd ecstasy of being held by God.

The hazelnut

Julian of Norwich wrote about a hazel nut, I only have a pewter acorn to consider, but the same words apply. "It lasts and will last forever because God loves it; and everything exists in the same way by the love of God." In this little thing I saw three properties: “the first is that God made it, the second is that God loves it, the third is that God cares for it."

I've been reflecting on these words today and an really struggling with the thought that these same words also apply to me, inperfect as I am, God made me, God loves me,  God cares for me. This is hard to hear and this evening even harder to accept.

When you wake up feeling so very low that you are not sure how to get through the day. When you come home and want to crawl up in a ball and cry or hibernate or better still sleep, oh to sleep that would be a gift.  It's hard to hear that God feels for you in the Same way he cares and loves  the acorn.

John 1 God so loved the world, loved Rebecca, that he gave his Son

Gentleness

In the Year of Biblical Womanhood the theme for October was gentleness. I thought I would find gentleness not too much of a challenge. How wrong could I be? Very it seems.

In the book Rachel had a jar of contentions into which she placed a cent every time she broke her rules. If I'd had such a jar I think I could have filled it in one day.  What's interesting for me in this observation is that in normal circumstances I hope this wouldn't have been the case. Now I know it sounds like I'm making excuses before I've begun, but let me explain.

At the moment I'm suffering with depression, one of my “symptoms" is anxiety, this leads to sleeplessness, this leads to tiredness, which in turn leads to short tempered behaviour. The people that bare the brunt of this short tempered behaviour are my family, particularly my parents. So, focusing on gentleness this month has been a challenge. I've apologised a lot.

I don't much like the person that I become when I'm tired and snappy, I am however grateful that family love us “no matter what" and they forgive us again and again. Family are an outpouring of God's love in physical form, right here on earth to hug us and hold us when times are tough.   Family remind us that we are never alone, even in the darkest hour of the night God is there keeping watch over us holding us in his hands, hugging us even when we are short and snappy with Him.

Now my other commitments during this month of October were to read the book of Proverbs ~ this is happening but not yet finished.  I also committed to try and be industrious like the Proverbs wife, and so I've set up an Etsy store and I have three items listen for sale. You can find me under the store name SquirrelsCreations.

Next Month our theme is domesticity, can't wait.

A mission to recapture simplicity

I am living a life of anxiety. It's not a thing I would recommend. In each 24hr period, I spend 8.30hrs at work, say on. A good day 1.30hrs travelling.work. 30mins on washing and dressing, 20mins on breakfast, say up to an hour on dinner that leaves 11.30hrs for sleeping and playing. Given I'm a girl who loves her sleep this leaves 2.30 hrs for playing. It's not enough.

When we are at work everything is wanted now. We no longer have time to reflect, to ponder, to consider our options . No sooner do we receive an Email  and a response is expected.  So when we are work we work hard. When we are at work society as a whole seems to be so busy. I wonder what has happened to reCREATION time.we a 're each created we all need time to recreate. Time to play.

Think of a Teacher

When the department of education run their motivational recruitment drives ‘think of a teacher that changed your life’ my drama teacher was the teacher that I think of.  She was a teacher who was a part of my life for 10 years from the age of 7 through to 16 when I left school.  She taught me how to walk into a room with confidence, to speak with confidence and most importantly how to breath when I speak.  Thanks to Mrs S, I perhaps naively, maintain that I would gladly stand in the Albert Hall and speak to my notes. 

This morning I woke to the sad news that Mrs S had died suddenly whilst on holiday.  She will be missed.  Reading through the comments on facebook the message that is emphasised again and again is that Mrs S taught me confidence.  Confidence is such a gift.  100's of girls benefited from this gift of confidence.  She spent many hours with each of us, helping us to prepare for our exams with the Royal School of Speech and Drama.  Teaching us about tone, intination, silence!

Just at the moment my confidence is suffering, I know however that when things are more stable and back in balance I will be able to draw on the tools that she gave me and find that confidence again.

Every memory shared on Facebook includes humour, affection and humility.  She was outragous, extravagant, theatrical (approriatley), loving and kind.  Her assembilies were looked forward to with enthusiasm.  Would she recount a tale of her latest advenutres with her scottie dogs or a tale of being locked out the house in the rain in her nighty! 

This year my bible study group are studying 'A Year of Biblical Womanhood'.  The theme this month is gentleness.  Mrs S had gentleness in bucketfuls.  There is a phrase used in the book 'Esher Chayil', it means 'Woman of Valour'.    Mrs S was a woman of valour.  May she rest in peace and rise in glory.

 

Trust part 2

This is the YouTube video for last night's performance

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEMtoyIeVNQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Trust

Last evening I was lucky enough to go to a show call 'push me, pull you' at Bristol's Creative Common.  The performance was beautiful in it's simplicity and technical excellence.   The most overwhelming and over-riding theme for me was that of the trust between the performer and the rigger.  The performer is totally reliant upon the rigger to 'do things right'.  Equally the performer has to be in tune with the rigger to ensure that, through non-verbal communication, they each know the what, where and when of a performance.  

As I reflected on this total trust, I was reminded that I can trust in God, the way the performer trusts in the rigger.  Even more overwhelming is that God knows, I don't need to communicate, because he just knows, I am held.  I often forget this, in times of anxiety (of which there are many at the moment) it is east to forget this.  Each and every day, as many times as I need, I can leave my worries, my troubles at the foot of the cross and be held.   

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. (1 Pet 5.6-7)

Contemplative prayer

This month in my journey of Biblical womanhood I committed to practice contemplative prayer. It's something I've done in the past, in fact it'ss something I used to enjoy. At the moment out is certainly something that needs practice. God is not easy to find at the moment let alone hear. I find good in creation and in creation but the small still voice seems to be far from me when I pray. 

I suffer from depression. In many quarters depression is not understood and in Christian quarters depression is seen by many as a condition or out come of sin. Some will go as far as to label depression an outcome of personal sin. I wonder if they would say the same to a diabetic or an epileptic who need medicine in order to stay alive.

For me one of the side effects of depression is anxiety. Anxiety is crippling however in my most anxious moments I am able to lean on God, to ask for his help to get me through. Even when I'm too anxious to ask I know he is there supporting and upholding me.

Contemplative prayer is going to need some more practice this month. Creative prayer will maybe be added to the Mix as an aid to contemplation.  This said whilst at my spinning class on Sunday night, the prayer on my lips was "why Lord would anyone do this for pleasure, and please don't let me die before the end of this class!"

100WC Week 7 - and the Sky got darker

One evening after a long day of walking I pitched my tent, lit a fire and reflected on the day that had been.  Slowly the sky got darker and the stars began to appear.  I unrolled my mat, lay in my tent with my head sticking out of the doors.  The fire crackled away casting dancing shadows around the field. As the darkness deepened and the fire dwindled the stars grew brighter and brighter.  In the depths of the darkness a shooting star made its way across the sky, I marvelled at the wonders of creation and praise God

Word 100 Week 6 - ....looking down, I was surprised to see...

One quiet Sunday morning I heard a beautiful sound.  The noise appeared to be coming from my back garden.  I leapt from my bed, drew back the curtains and looking down I was surprised to see a choir of birds singing away.  Now you may not think this to be an unusual thing, however for the last two years I have been trying to attract birds to my garden and all to no avail.  This Sunday morning there were blue tits and chaffinch alongside gold finch and thrush.  Their song was not a cacophony of noise, but worship of God.

100wc Week 5

Time disappeared last weekend and I didn't managed to have a go at the challenge which the children completed.  Must focus this week.

Biblical womanhood

4 years or so ago my life was blessed and enriched by a fabulous group of women who came together to form 'Shall we Dance?'. 'Shall we dance?' is a Bible study group the came together to explore what our individual dance with God was. Were we dancing the Rumba or the Waltz? The success of Strictly Come Dancing on the BBC provided a plethora of examples to consider.

Some years later we find ourselves on a new journey of exploration.  This evening we have begun our journey through a year of biblical womanhood. 
A year of biblical womanhood is written by Rachel Held Evans. 

Our journey begins with a month of Gentleness.  Each of us in the group have chosen our commitment for this month.  I have made 3 which fit with the theme for the month.

1. To practice contemplative prayer.
2. To read the book of proverbs.
3. To make and sell in the spirit of the Proverbs wife of chapter 31.

The last few years of my life have held their challenges for me and for the last 3 years I have been learning how to live with depression,  what Winston Churchill described as his black dog. 

For me depression has been more like being a tree without leaves,  always in winter without the nutrients needed to reach spring.  Don't get me wrong it hasn't been this way for  every day of the whole of the last 3 years but winter has been a more prominent season than spring.

As I begin this journey of exploring biblical womanhood,  I also find myself in a black place once again.  The leaves have fallen from the tree and the landscape is barren.  I hope that as this year progresses that spring will come.

Trust

This evening I have been to the circus, to Pirates of the caribena. It was raw and beautiful. What strikes me most when watching these shows is the trust between the performer and their spotter/anchor. It is a trust that is so strong, so real and without any doubt. The connection between the two is electrical, the tension magnetic.

This level of trust reminds me of what it is to have faith. To believe in God is to have faith, Yahoo have trust just as the performer and the spotter trust one another.

100WC - Week 4

 

This week the inspiration for the children was the photograph above.  I have read some really imaginative writing.  So for my effort.....

 

I have stood in this park for many years, watching the people come and go.  Watching lovers embrace, couples part and family’s come together.  It is a wonderful place to be to stand, to be to pray for the folk who come and who go.

One morning, whilst the sun was rising, a new statue appeared to be a part of my park.  It seems to have more feet than me, many more feet.  Where I stand on my feet, this statue stands on its head.  I wonder what this new statue will make of my park?

 

Blocking complete

The blocking is completed and the shawl is dry. Looking forward to being cosy warm this winter. No more lace knitting for a while.

and then I saw a bright light

The two things that I most enjoy doing are flying and singing.  I love to soar beneath the sun in a vast blue sky and to sit in the branch of an olive tree and sing.  One day the strangest thing happened; the sky went black and it did not seem right to fly or sing any more, the world was dark and heavy.  I decided that as it did not seem right to fly or to sing, that I would sit and watch. There were comings and goings and then I saw a bright light.

#100wc

100WC

I have become involved in a project called 100WC.  Children submit blog posts of 100 words, which incorporate a sentence which they are provided with as inspiration.  I log on, read a selection of the posts and then comment on them to help the children with their writing.

More information about the project can be found here.......

http://100wc.net/about-100-word-challenge/

So I thought it would be fun if I wrote 100 words each week as well.  This week the inspiration is 

… and then I saw a bright light…

so I shall ponder this and watch this space as they say.

Lacy shawl

After 10 months of knitting it is finally finished.  My lace shawl project.  I have knitted, taken back and re knitted time and again, but at last I have cast off, Russian style I'll have you know.

It is currently blocking so until then you will have to be content with this photo.

Glorious Lyme Regis

For one glorious week now I have been on holiday, relaxing switching off and recharging the batteries. Lyme Regis had been at its best. I have swum in the sea, slept on the beach and restored my soul.

A hint of Autumm

It seems that Autumn is just around the corner.  We went for a little walk yesterday and there were hints of autumn all around.

I love the autumn I think it is my favourite season.  Cosy afternoons,  autumn sunshine and blackberries. 

Freedom

This morning on the way to work, I was stopped at a red light and glanced to my left out towards the Severn valley.  Against the gather grey storm clouds were the silhouettes of two birds riding the thermals.  I couldn't tell you what they were the light was such that it was on the beautiful, elegant silhouette that was apparent to me.  They flew with such grace, with such elegance and in that brief moment, I had a glimpse of what to me looked like freedom.  There were no predators in the sky, there was just the beautiful uninhibited swoop and glide of two birds enjoy the morning.

I hope today that you have a moment of freedom.

God's Windows

I was truly inspired by this article.

God's Windows http://experimentaltheology.blogspot.com/2013/04/gods-windows.html

How to bake

Another of my Christmas presents was 'How to Bake' by Paul Hollywood. The first recipie, was a white loaf.

My first completed project of 2013

A little jumper for a little man!

A new year, a new creation

This Christmas my present was a felt making kit. It came with lots of lovely wooltop colours and today I have had an opportunity to play. Armed with inspiration from Complete feltmaking by Gillian Harris, I embarked on my first creations.

Not bad really. More practise required but 'such fun'.