Gentleness

In the Year of Biblical Womanhood the theme for October was gentleness. I thought I would find gentleness not too much of a challenge. How wrong could I be? Very it seems.

In the book Rachel had a jar of contentions into which she placed a cent every time she broke her rules. If I'd had such a jar I think I could have filled it in one day.  What's interesting for me in this observation is that in normal circumstances I hope this wouldn't have been the case. Now I know it sounds like I'm making excuses before I've begun, but let me explain.

At the moment I'm suffering with depression, one of my “symptoms" is anxiety, this leads to sleeplessness, this leads to tiredness, which in turn leads to short tempered behaviour. The people that bare the brunt of this short tempered behaviour are my family, particularly my parents. So, focusing on gentleness this month has been a challenge. I've apologised a lot.

I don't much like the person that I become when I'm tired and snappy, I am however grateful that family love us “no matter what" and they forgive us again and again. Family are an outpouring of God's love in physical form, right here on earth to hug us and hold us when times are tough.   Family remind us that we are never alone, even in the darkest hour of the night God is there keeping watch over us holding us in his hands, hugging us even when we are short and snappy with Him.

Now my other commitments during this month of October were to read the book of Proverbs ~ this is happening but not yet finished.  I also committed to try and be industrious like the Proverbs wife, and so I've set up an Etsy store and I have three items listen for sale. You can find me under the store name SquirrelsCreations.

Next Month our theme is domesticity, can't wait.

A mission to recapture simplicity

I am living a life of anxiety. It's not a thing I would recommend. In each 24hr period, I spend 8.30hrs at work, say on. A good day 1.30hrs travelling.work. 30mins on washing and dressing, 20mins on breakfast, say up to an hour on dinner that leaves 11.30hrs for sleeping and playing. Given I'm a girl who loves her sleep this leaves 2.30 hrs for playing. It's not enough.

When we are at work everything is wanted now. We no longer have time to reflect, to ponder, to consider our options . No sooner do we receive an Email  and a response is expected.  So when we are work we work hard. When we are at work society as a whole seems to be so busy. I wonder what has happened to reCREATION time.we a 're each created we all need time to recreate. Time to play.

Think of a Teacher

When the department of education run their motivational recruitment drives ‘think of a teacher that changed your life’ my drama teacher was the teacher that I think of.  She was a teacher who was a part of my life for 10 years from the age of 7 through to 16 when I left school.  She taught me how to walk into a room with confidence, to speak with confidence and most importantly how to breath when I speak.  Thanks to Mrs S, I perhaps naively, maintain that I would gladly stand in the Albert Hall and speak to my notes. 

This morning I woke to the sad news that Mrs S had died suddenly whilst on holiday.  She will be missed.  Reading through the comments on facebook the message that is emphasised again and again is that Mrs S taught me confidence.  Confidence is such a gift.  100's of girls benefited from this gift of confidence.  She spent many hours with each of us, helping us to prepare for our exams with the Royal School of Speech and Drama.  Teaching us about tone, intination, silence!

Just at the moment my confidence is suffering, I know however that when things are more stable and back in balance I will be able to draw on the tools that she gave me and find that confidence again.

Every memory shared on Facebook includes humour, affection and humility.  She was outragous, extravagant, theatrical (approriatley), loving and kind.  Her assembilies were looked forward to with enthusiasm.  Would she recount a tale of her latest advenutres with her scottie dogs or a tale of being locked out the house in the rain in her nighty! 

This year my bible study group are studying 'A Year of Biblical Womanhood'.  The theme this month is gentleness.  Mrs S had gentleness in bucketfuls.  There is a phrase used in the book 'Esher Chayil', it means 'Woman of Valour'.    Mrs S was a woman of valour.  May she rest in peace and rise in glory.

 

Trust part 2

This is the YouTube video for last night's performance

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QEMtoyIeVNQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Trust

Last evening I was lucky enough to go to a show call 'push me, pull you' at Bristol's Creative Common.  The performance was beautiful in it's simplicity and technical excellence.   The most overwhelming and over-riding theme for me was that of the trust between the performer and the rigger.  The performer is totally reliant upon the rigger to 'do things right'.  Equally the performer has to be in tune with the rigger to ensure that, through non-verbal communication, they each know the what, where and when of a performance.  

As I reflected on this total trust, I was reminded that I can trust in God, the way the performer trusts in the rigger.  Even more overwhelming is that God knows, I don't need to communicate, because he just knows, I am held.  I often forget this, in times of anxiety (of which there are many at the moment) it is east to forget this.  Each and every day, as many times as I need, I can leave my worries, my troubles at the foot of the cross and be held.   

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. (1 Pet 5.6-7)

Contemplative prayer

This month in my journey of Biblical womanhood I committed to practice contemplative prayer. It's something I've done in the past, in fact it'ss something I used to enjoy. At the moment out is certainly something that needs practice. God is not easy to find at the moment let alone hear. I find good in creation and in creation but the small still voice seems to be far from me when I pray. 

I suffer from depression. In many quarters depression is not understood and in Christian quarters depression is seen by many as a condition or out come of sin. Some will go as far as to label depression an outcome of personal sin. I wonder if they would say the same to a diabetic or an epileptic who need medicine in order to stay alive.

For me one of the side effects of depression is anxiety. Anxiety is crippling however in my most anxious moments I am able to lean on God, to ask for his help to get me through. Even when I'm too anxious to ask I know he is there supporting and upholding me.

Contemplative prayer is going to need some more practice this month. Creative prayer will maybe be added to the Mix as an aid to contemplation.  This said whilst at my spinning class on Sunday night, the prayer on my lips was "why Lord would anyone do this for pleasure, and please don't let me die before the end of this class!"

100WC Week 7 - and the Sky got darker

One evening after a long day of walking I pitched my tent, lit a fire and reflected on the day that had been.  Slowly the sky got darker and the stars began to appear.  I unrolled my mat, lay in my tent with my head sticking out of the doors.  The fire crackled away casting dancing shadows around the field. As the darkness deepened and the fire dwindled the stars grew brighter and brighter.  In the depths of the darkness a shooting star made its way across the sky, I marvelled at the wonders of creation and praise God

Word 100 Week 6 - ....looking down, I was surprised to see...

One quiet Sunday morning I heard a beautiful sound.  The noise appeared to be coming from my back garden.  I leapt from my bed, drew back the curtains and looking down I was surprised to see a choir of birds singing away.  Now you may not think this to be an unusual thing, however for the last two years I have been trying to attract birds to my garden and all to no avail.  This Sunday morning there were blue tits and chaffinch alongside gold finch and thrush.  Their song was not a cacophony of noise, but worship of God.

100wc Week 5

Time disappeared last weekend and I didn't managed to have a go at the challenge which the children completed.  Must focus this week.

Biblical womanhood

4 years or so ago my life was blessed and enriched by a fabulous group of women who came together to form 'Shall we Dance?'. 'Shall we dance?' is a Bible study group the came together to explore what our individual dance with God was. Were we dancing the Rumba or the Waltz? The success of Strictly Come Dancing on the BBC provided a plethora of examples to consider.

Some years later we find ourselves on a new journey of exploration.  This evening we have begun our journey through a year of biblical womanhood. 
A year of biblical womanhood is written by Rachel Held Evans. 

Our journey begins with a month of Gentleness.  Each of us in the group have chosen our commitment for this month.  I have made 3 which fit with the theme for the month.

1. To practice contemplative prayer.
2. To read the book of proverbs.
3. To make and sell in the spirit of the Proverbs wife of chapter 31.

The last few years of my life have held their challenges for me and for the last 3 years I have been learning how to live with depression,  what Winston Churchill described as his black dog. 

For me depression has been more like being a tree without leaves,  always in winter without the nutrients needed to reach spring.  Don't get me wrong it hasn't been this way for  every day of the whole of the last 3 years but winter has been a more prominent season than spring.

As I begin this journey of exploring biblical womanhood,  I also find myself in a black place once again.  The leaves have fallen from the tree and the landscape is barren.  I hope that as this year progresses that spring will come.

Trust

This evening I have been to the circus, to Pirates of the caribena. It was raw and beautiful. What strikes me most when watching these shows is the trust between the performer and their spotter/anchor. It is a trust that is so strong, so real and without any doubt. The connection between the two is electrical, the tension magnetic.

This level of trust reminds me of what it is to have faith. To believe in God is to have faith, Yahoo have trust just as the performer and the spotter trust one another.